Murder The Alternatives

What happens for me in BJJ is kind of like a mini-replica of the larger happenings in my life. What I struggle with so plainly on the mat is also what I struggle with in secret in the rest of my life.

This is my second year as a youth minister. In my first year, I met with a lot of insecurity. Was I doing things right? Were my decisions working? Would the kids respond well? When people didn't like something I did, I let it keep me awake at night. Many times, I would make decisions, then people would complain and I would change the decision to try to keep them happy.

My Pastor, Ron, had a talk with me about that. He said something that stuck with me: "Allie, you have to learn how to make a decision and murder the alternatives. Don't worry about what everyone else thinks. Do what God tells you; what you know you are supposed to do. Let Him handle the rest."

The part I struggle with is the "Don't worry about what everyone else thinks."

I am 28. Right now, I feel like I am at a point in my life where I should know confidently who I am. I should have a direction, a career, an idea of what my husband and I are working toward in the future. But instead, I still have doubt. Have I made (mostly) good choices? Or am I completely blowing it?

Basically, I let insecurity rob me of joy in my every day life too many times.

I looked up this verse this morning after reading a rant I posted on my other blog

1 John 4:18 -- "18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

God and the people who love me don't love me based on my performance. If I know they love me, I am free to make mistakes so long as I admit them and learn from them. Why can't I get that through my head?

I think what I was afraid of when I wrote that blog post was not tournaments. What I was/am afraid of is people rejecting me because of who I am. I still feel like I have to edit myself around people, because I don't want them to dislike me. I feel like I have to do things right or they will walk away

I am tired of living like that.

Yes, I need to treat everyone with love and respect. I need to be considerate. But I need to be able to stand on my own convictions and let people disagree with me and still be confident.

I think this relates to how I grapple in BJJ. Make a decision and murder the alternatives. I need to commit. Have confidence in what I've learned. When I grapple, and I'm doing well, my mind is focused on what it needs to be: reacting and planning. But when I make a mistake or someone else out-moves me, my mind turns inward and I start to doubt myself. I usually start doing worse from there. I need to learn to stay confident, even when I am in a bad position.

All of the angst that shows up in my other BJJ blog roots back to this. I am sure people are getting sick of reading about it. But these are real struggles that I am trying to figure out and work through.

Thanks for being patient, guys. I appreciate it.